okay so before, i used to think of tennis as oh ok tennis great time to cheer for my friends favorite because i dont know anyone else in there

but now im like

OMG TENNIS OMG FRENCH OPEN OMG GRAND SLAM OMG DJOKOVIC AND HIS PRETTY GIRLFRIEND OMG TENNIS

somebody save me from this madness

i don’t know what to write

there are too many things swirling around in my head right now and i am totally, perpetually at loss with words. 

hes online

he

is

online

CASUALLY AND PERPETUALLY WAITS FOR HIM TO SAY HI

i am afraid the time will come when you will realize the secret i’ve been keeping from you and from everyone else. secrets last and sometimes it bears negative fruits such as you perpetually avoiding me for life, which is the last thing i’d want you to do. i hope you won’t find out because i wouldn’t really be happy to find you’ve blocked me in facebook or something. i don’t know, though. i don’t know how you’ll take it because i’m pretty much a very paranoid girl and especially since two friends of mine have already been proved untrustworthy. i guess that’s why i cage my secrets and i hardly tell them to anybody except the ones i really, really trust. you see, i’m afraid that people will judge me because of my secrets. i’m afraid that i might lose friends and make my life harder to live than it already is. i’m afraid that i might be hurt really badly if i let someone know about this secret i don’t want them to know. i’m emotionally unstable, you see. and it makes me doubt going to law school. in any case, i hope you’ll never know. i don’t want our growing camaraderie to be broken by such a petty thing as me.

sometimes i think to myself, why aren’t i good enough? the people around me are perfect. they’re beautiful, they’re smart, they all have great bodies and wonderful personalities. whereas there is me, that not-that-attractive girl who just relies in luck and crams most of the time. sometimes i wonder if i was prettier, smarter, and funnier, would you like me back? 

whenever i look at my pictures, i would cringe and tell myself that maybe one day a miracle would happen and god would erase that picture. i really don’t like how i look. i’m not pretty, but i’m not that ugly either. though if you ask me, my attractiveness leans more on the ugly side of the chart. 

in any case, i don’t think i could give a good first impression if i look like a dope. i’m really thin too, and i guess that affects people’s interests toward me. i feel like people just befriend me out of pity.

every day i dream of just being a normal girl. you know, slightly fatter, slightly prettier, slightly less awkward. normal. just. normal. maybe just for a day. and maybe i would have the courage to befriend you without making you think that i’m hitting on you, which i wouldn’t do right now.

i don’t know if you’re that kind of guy who looks past appearance and focuses more on a girl’s personality. i hope you are, because i would have scored a -1 out of 10 in the appearance category, i mean, if you ask me to rate myself.

i have a lot of things to say to you but they all just boil down to four words:

can we be friends?

i could write millions of short stories about us, about how the shy girl and the popular boy, two different people from two different places, are woven together by love and passion. but that would be over-exaggerating my actual attraction toward you. i don’t want to scare you when you see this blog and notice that all of my posts for you are coated with big black words which accuse me of being a huge, nerdy stalker who will never get a chance with you.

i guess i’m just hoping too much, i don’t know. i don’t know what’s going in my head right now because i have a lot of things to worry about such as my graduation. i don’t even know if the admiration i feel towards you is genuine and not just driven by your physical appeal which, to me, would never be genuine because i believe that there is more to a person than just his looks. but i’m not saying that you’re ugly. don’t get the wrong idea. you’re worlds apart from ugly, perhaps even universes, worm holes and whatever metaphor there is to describe how you’re actually not ugly. you’re pretty cute and whenever i look at your face, even my voice flutters with nervousness. i mean, i can’t even talk to you properly. i made myself look like a total dork the last time we did, and i guess that also made me feel like killing myself because i feel like i just did a sin. i feel like the phrase “horrible idiot, keep away” sign would be perpetually stuck in my forehead whenever you see me. i don’t want that to happen but thanks to my paranoia, i always feel like you think i’m gross or something idk aksuehfawed

just hope that you don’t think about me like that, you know. i don’t want you to avoid me. i don’t even care if you don’t mind me, just as long as you don’t find me as a threat or something. that would trigger the self-destruct button somewhere inside my chest. i just really, really have strong feelings toward you. it isn’t love, don’t worry. it’s somewhere between love and like but it’s definitely really strong. but you don’t have to worry about that either because i’m just going to make it obvious to myself and no one else. maybe to the zero people who read this blog. and maybe to a few of my close friends but i trust that they won’t really say anything about that.

anyway i’m no longer making sense. i don’t know if it’s because of you or because of my sleep deprivation. maybe the latter. i still think about you though, if it helps.

i wouldn’t say i love you, because i don’t. love is too complicated, it’s too vague, diverse, and ambiguous. love is something i wouldn’t understand until i’ve had a taste of it. please don’t be afraid of me. i don’t love you. but i don’t dislike you either. i don’t know how much you mean to me, though, because we’re not as close as friends should be. our relationship just falls under the “hi, bye” category even though we don’t even make eye contact or greet each other.

i don’t know if i should be feeling this way for you, because obviously you’ll never feel this way for me unless i do something to make you feel it, which i wouldn’t even risk because we’re just not meant for each other. the pieces of our puzzles don’t fit with each other, no matter how many times i think of ways to try to make them fit. even if i cite quotes and theories from plato, socrates,  heck even the greatest scientists in the world won’t be able to help me think of anything that could make you and i compatible.

it’s kind of sad, really.

hanging on the thread of hope for our friendship to grow is like gasping for air in space. it’s beautiful out there, with the millions of stars, comets, meteorites. it’s fun to just drift along with the dance of the sun’s rays. but i can’t survive out there. perhaps that’s how beautiful our relationship could have been, if there was any air to keep us hanging onto each other.

but it’s hard to imagine you liking me back.